Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
