I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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