I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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