i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
