I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
two words: eviction party
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
