did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
