Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
someone owes me an orgasm
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
