dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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