Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
