just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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