I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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