Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
