I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
