There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
