Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
