I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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