My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
