This is not my ceiling
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
