Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
