The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
