Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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