i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
