Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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