I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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