he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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