My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
