fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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