why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
