my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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