I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
