Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
