I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
