every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
