He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
