Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
