i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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