my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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