First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
