Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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