Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize