i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
