you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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