she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
