I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
