Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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