phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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