doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
