I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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