I just made out with a guy for $7.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
