I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
