I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
