jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
