What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
