true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
