Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
