Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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