apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
