My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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