just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
