I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
