I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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