Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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