Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
