I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We just shotgunned beers for America
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
All I want is dick and wine.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize