I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
