i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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